


i was never one for singing what i really feel

by ninepointeight



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bittersweet, Civil War Team Iron Man, Fix-It of Sorts, Gen, Moving On, Not Wanda Friendly, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Slightly Team Cap Critical, Team Dynamics, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, tony realizes things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-06
Updated: 2019-04-06
Packaged: 2020-01-05 20:56:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18373931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ninepointeight/pseuds/ninepointeight
Summary: He doesn’t move as the door clicks open, and he hears them before he sees them– the heavy sound of industrial boots tapping against the floor, voices that he hasn’t heard in so long that they may as well belong to strangers, a string of easy laughter.





	i was never one for singing what i really feel

**Author's Note:**

> idk just working through some feelings, it's been 3 years but apparently i'm still not over civil war. this whole conversation with trust came up because of that endgame trailer that came out recently...i guess i just can't let it go yet lol. don't get me wrong i'm not trying to bash any characters except for maybe Wanda, but i'm writing more in a way i think tony would actually feel and act. some of the civil war fics i've read make tony way too angry and vengeful and petty, but in reality i feel like tony would just...move on. he's professional, he's a businessman, he's perfectly capable of acting politely even towards people he doesn't like all that much. that's just how i characterize him in my head, anyways just try to enjoy the fic :)

Tony doesn’t realize until the Quinjet doors are sliding open, the grand reunion about three seconds away, that a part of him is still clinging onto one last bit of hope that they can go back to what they used to be. 

In the few months he had spent reflecting on his time spent as an Avenger after being discharged, Tony had resigned himself to the fact that things would never be the same again. Or, at least he thought he had until now.

He doesn’t move as the door clicks open, and he hears them before he sees them– the heavy sound of industrial boots tapping against the floor, voices that he hasn’t heard in so long that they may as well belong to strangers, a string of easy laughter.

It’s sudden, unexpected, the teeny tiny spark of hope that flares up in his chest. Maybe there is something to be salvaged from this, after all, he thinks.

Yes, exactly. No matter how much the betrayal had stung, still stings, they hadn’t spent so many years living together as teammates, as friends, at one time even family for nothing, had they? Besides, it isn't like Tony himself is free of blame; in some ways he had fucked up just as badly. (Rhodey’s legs.) The world had given him a clean slate, a fresh start all those years ago, so why couldn’t he give Steve one now? All they needed was to talk it out. See, he knew Pepper had been right all along with the ‘you guys just need to _communicate,_ Tony’–

Someone clears their throat noisily in front of him.

Tony looks up, startled for a second from being jolted out of his own head, only to squarely meet Steve’s eye.

And that’s when he understands.

Steve looks hopeful, but not in the way Tony wants him to, not in the way he should. He looks hopeful for an _apology._ There is nothing repentant in his eyes, as hard as Tony searches.

He was right. There really is nothing left here.

He shifts his gaze around the rest of the group. Natasha is as unreadable as ever, and Wanda tries hard to hide it but Tony is well-versed in being on the receiving end of thinly-veiled hostility. Sam looks uncomfortable, but there is nothing welcoming in his eyes when he looks at Tony. He can’t seem to get a read on Barnes, either, but the way he’s positioned his body slightly in front of the others, as if Tony is a threat, tells him everything he needs to know.

He thought he would be prepared for it, in fact he thought he was already past this, but the revelation still leaves him slightly winded: he can never trust them again. He _will_ never trust them again.

He knows that he can count on them on the battlefield, to watch his back and to save the world together, but never anything deeper than that. They can trade jokes, squabble over the dinner table, banter through the comms, but that will be it. He can’t and won’t share with them anything more substantial, anything that actually _matters_ , because who knows. Maybe one day those things will be turned around and used against him.

It isn’t so much an emotional as a logical conclusion. If he trusts them again, _really_ trusts them, he will get hurt.

He meets Wanda’s eyes again. The hatred and disgust he can see brewing just beneath the surface enrages him for a second, makes him fucking _furious_. Because how dare _she_ hate _him_ , after everything that has happened? He opened his home to her, he opened his family to her, even after everything she had done, and she did nothing but take those things from him in return.

She’s still just a kid, Tony can almost hear Steve say sternly in his mind, but hell, he had been younger than her when he took over one of the largest tech and arms empires in the world, Steve himself practically the same age when the weight of being Captain America was thrust onto his frail, frail shoulders. He hates her the most, out of all of them.

And then the second of rage passes.

Looking into her eyes, Tony realizes something. While she isn’t a child anymore, that doesn’t change that she is immature.

She is immature, so she cannot let go of this crazy grudge against him that she has held on to for two decades. She is immature, so she hates him.

He’s better than her, though. Tony becomes aware of this with a clarity that surprises even himself.

He’s better than her, in that he can let go of the past. He’s better than her, in that he can forgive the world for all its faults. He’s better than her, in that he can face reality and shoulder blame if he has to, harsh as they may be.

That is when Tony decides to simply let go.

It’s clear that there is no place for him there anymore, and with the way the Avengers have been shaping up in the past few months on his side, there probably isn’t a place for them here, either.

Tony has always had a clear vision of the future, and it’s like finally blinking all the water out of his eyes when he realizes that his future does not include the little group standing in front of him. Clinging on to old memories, pleasant as they may be, is useless.

There is no “for old time’s sake” with this one, not if he values his own well-being. And Tony does value his own well-being, for maybe the first time in forty-something years.

In a way, Siberia was the last straw, he just hadn’t known it at the time. One last climactic, theatrical, tremendous demonstration of Steve’s lack of trust in him. He doesn’t know how he hadn’t seen it coming– looking back at it, they had never fully trusted each other. The team had an easy camaraderie, something that Tony had mistaken at the time to be real friendship, but he supposes that camaraderie was a result of proximity rather than choice. They spent practically all day, every day in the same space and saved the world together more times than Tony can count– he supposes it would be weirder if they _hadn’t_ formed a bond of some sort.

At the end of the day, they had just been a group of lonely, sad losers that clung onto one another solely because they were the first people that they happened to stumble across.

And then Steve had found other people who he _actually_ liked, Sam, Natasha, Wanda, _Bucky_ , which conversely made him realize just how much he didn’t actually like Tony. That was the start of the end, Tony thinks wryly.

They were never meant to be a team for long, in that way. They were like each other’s 30 day free trials to being a part of something, to having friends, and once that time was up there was no guarantee whether or not they would continue to last.

Tony doesn’t quite flinch when his eyes meet Steve’s again, but it’s a close thing. Steve has always had unique eyes, so blue that it almost hurts, a blue that Tony had once found intriguing, curious, beautiful even, but looking at them now just makes him feel painfully cold. He can almost feel the bunker floor against the back of his head, the biting Siberian air against the line of his vulnerable and exposed throat. He remembers thinking, in that moment and countless ones after it, he will never give anyone the power to hurt him like that ever again.

And so he lets go.

He does not owe them anything anymore, and they similarly do not owe anything to him. They are strangers again, not that Tony is naïve enough to think that he ever truly knew any of them.

He steps forward and holds out a hand, cordial smile on his face. “Captain,” he says, “Everybody. Good to have you back.”

Steve looks surprised for a moment, and then confused. He shakes Tony’s hand slowly, eyeing him carefully like he’s expecting Tony to break out into hysterics at any moment. “It’s good to be back,” he finally says after a few moments.

“Yes,” Tony replies neutrally, turning and making his way down the hall, not checking to see whether or not they are following before he continues speaking, “Just some basic information about the Avengers Compound, the canteen is on the first floor, you can’t miss it, while floors two to four are all quarters. I think you guys are staying on the second floor, someone will give you your keys and identification badges later. A lot of SHIELD agents that were out of a job after the fall a few years back got recommissioned by me, so you may see some familiar faces around other than Rhodey, Vision, and I,” he thinks he sees Natasha twitch, almost imperceptibly out of the corner of his eye.

He comes to a stop in the cafeteria, turning back to address them. “Now, I’m sure you guys are hungry, so I’ll leave you to it. You’ll each get a packet with a lot more details later, but feel free to ask me or FRIDAY if you have any more questions.” He sends them one more polite smile, before turning unhurriedly and starting to walk towards the door.

A hand on his arm stops him. It belongs to Steve, naturally, and Tony looks at it until it’s retracted. “Tony,” Steve says, blinking and still looking confused, “I…that’s it?”

Tony blinks back at him, “Of course that isn’t it, Captain!” He says, and Steve looks relieved, and then expectant all in a split second, “We’ve still got tons of ground to cover, in terms of training and tactics. If we want to defeat Thanos once and for all, we need to give it our everything. We’ll discuss everything more in depth at the next team meeting, FRIDAY will inform you guys of the specific time and place very soon.”

Behind Steve, even Natasha looks a little gobsmacked that he isn’t using this opportunity to be an asshole, but Tony just smiles blandly at them. “I’ve got a lot of things to attend to, so if there aren’t any more questions, I’ll leave you guys to it.”

This time nobody stops him when he turns and leaves, but Tony can feel their eyes on his back all the way up until the cafeteria doors slide shut behind him. He feels a little drained, all of a sudden, because he can compartmentalize, but at the end of the day, these people were once what he had considered family.

The knowledge that he can never have that again stings a little, and a small, irrational part of his brain is berating him for messing it up all over again, but Tony shakes himself out of it.

He thinks about Peter, who has now graduated to sending him ten-minute voice mails instead of Happy, and he thinks about Stephen Strange, who is infuriating but brilliant and intriguing all the same. He thinks about Rhodey, who never accepts Tony’s apologies about his legs because _it’s not your fault_ , and he thinks about Pepper, who sighs and bitches at him but has stayed by his side through it all anyways.

Yeah. Tony’s going to be just fine.

**Author's Note:**

> comments are appreciated! hey if ur a troll just don't comment why the fuck are you even here?


End file.
